I kind of like baking.

The Keys to Grilled Cheeses

2007-06-06T18:13:00.001-07:00

You think that before this moment you have had a grilled cheese. You are wrong.

Bread
Butter or butter spread
Different kinds of cheeses

You could also use:
a gas stove
some sweet potatoes or yams

Ok, listen vegans, you can use these same techniques with some of the nicer-melting rice cheeses. I have had GREAT luck with them on pizzas, and I do not doubt for a second that the following grilled cheese method will ensure that they have time to melt in a sammy. You already know about the miracle that is Earth Balance.

Patience. This sandwich is all about patience. And the butter.

Is your butter spreadable? Yes - good. No - get it there.

Take two slices of bread. Butter one side of each slice, so that they match as a sandwich set with the butter on the outsides of the sandwich. Spread the butter very thoroughly but kind of sparsely. Set aside.

Slice up some cheeses. Have more and bigger slices of your base cheese. Monterrey Jack and cheddar make nice bases, but use whatever you prefer. Cut enough of this cheese to cover about half a slice of bread. Cut it almost as thinly as you can with a knife without veering off the end of the brick. Too thick, and it won't melt perfectly.

To make this the ultimate grilled cheese recipe, you really need as many different kinds of cheese as your palate can discern in one sandwich. After you have the base cheese(s) cut, cut much smaller pieces of the other cheeses. You can sprinkle, slice or shred them on top of the base cheese(s) as is appropriate. If you buy deli-slices cheese you can make it a couple slices thick for sure.

With the stove OFF, set the bread in your pan with the butter-side down. Arrange the cheeses in a palatable and aesthetic way on the unbuttered side of the bread. Leave it open-faced; don't put the second slice on top yet. Don't put any spare butter or oil in the pan.

Turn the stove on to LOW. Yes, low. Give it a few min to toast the bottom slice of bread before you even think about checking it. You know how long the toaster seems to take? Well, wait that long before you are even tempted to put the other slice of bread on. It is currently open-faced so that you can use the cheeses' meltiness as a flipping guide. If the cheeses aren't warm before you put on the second piece of bread, the cheeses won't get perfectly melty.

When the bottom slice of bread is, roughly speaking, toasted and the base cheese is slightly tacky to the bread, add the second slice of bread with the butter on the outside. The top slice of bread is not now warm, so you can place your fingers on it while you put the spatula under the bottom slice. This will aid your flippage, prevent slippage and all the while not burning your dirty little fingers.

Allow the second slice of bread to toast. If you flipped it a little too early and want the first piece toasted more, or if you just need to check the second piece's toastiness level, flipper it around a few more times. The flipping is easier once the cheese begins to act as a mild adhesive.

When both sides are toasty, eat it.

If you want the above sandwich to be the penultimate grilled cheese sandwich recipe, have some thinly sliced and pre-baked yam on hand. There is nothing quite as tasty as Monterrey Jack and yams together between some carbs. Maybe even with some green onions too. Or some seasonings. Craving garlic? Don't be afraid to season your grilled cheese! Or to eat it with cold cuke slices. Or cold red pepper slices. Or warm tomato bisque soup with some brown rice and chopped up pieces of baked tofu in there. Imagine what asparagus would be like!

Go look up penultimate.

Vegan Coconut Shortcake

2007-05-26T11:01:00.000-07:00

Hey Shortstack, have some shortcake.

1 cup warm coconut oil
1 cup honey or other liquidy sweetner
1 2/3 cup coconut milk
3 heaping cups flour
1 pinch baking soda
2 pinch baking powder

Plus
seasonal fruit
whipping cream or soy milk

Preheat 350.

It is obnoxious and ultimately endearing when grandmas tell you that you need "you know, just the right amount" of an ingredient and that the correct amount of snuggling and scent-based nostalgia capital is required to make that advice work, but this might be an opportune moment to discuss that baking is an intuitive process that occasionally flops in a way that allows baking "it's all chemistry" snobs to chortle about how you failed freshman chemistry and handed in the final exam with only your name on it. But they don't have as much fun baking as you and I do, so just learn from the flops and enjoy the process anyway. We are superior and can read the stars through flour. Ha.

Coconut oil needs to be warm in order for you to mix it with the other ingredients. It is solid at room temperature, except in warm places without AC. Measure it out, melt it a little and then see if you can stir it with a spatula. I'd use a glass mixing bowl for this recipe, so that you can nuke it again if you have to.

Add all of the wet ingredients first. If there are coconut oil lumps, warm it a little bit more in the microwave. They do not radiate in a health-concerning way, hippy. I like your patchouli stink though.

Regarding the honey, if you don't like uber sweet stuff, use more like 3/4 cup rather than a whole one, Pontius. As for the coconut milk, if when you measured out the correct amount, there was only a tiny bit of the can left over, slosh it right into the recipe instead of throwing it away or saving it until it molds. The recipe can take it just fine. Shortcake isn't easy to ruin, due to its hearty, supposed-to-be-crumbly-and-dense nature. It is really all about the seasonal fruit anyway.

4 full cups of flour would make this recipe too dry, so just slightly over-measure 3 cups. Let the white flour dome over the top of the cup a little. Coconut oil is hard to stir, so is shortcake batter - use a light flour, so as to not make shortcake any heavier than it already is. Mix the soda and powder in with the flour too.

You can't pour this mo-fo dough into a mold, you have to spread it. Pick any shape. I made mine in a mold of every body's favorite Ninja Turtle, Michelangelo. Donatello is cool too, but Raphael and Leonardo are like plain shortcake. Mini-bundts might be nice too. Or some standard cake pan shape, if you like Leonardo. Throw it across the room out of pent up anger if you are a Raphael fan.

Bake for 30 min. Pull the heavy, tasty, brick out of the oven and serve with your twig, berries and whipped cream. I suggest lime juice and powdered sugar in the whipped cream and ripe blackberries on top of that.

If you want standard shortcake, make this recipe with the same amounts of oil (but canola) and coconut milk (but use vanilla or plain yogurt [or soygurt]). If I was you, I would totally use flavored yogurts matching with whichever seasonal fruit you are going to eat on top of the shortcake. Strawberry? Devine.

Cheesy Rice will make your life better

2007-05-13T15:23:00.000-07:00

You always make too much rice. It's better than making too little.

Your leftover rice
Some oil
Some cheese
Some milk
Your leftover veggies

Hey. I love cheese-less stuff too. So, if you are vegan or otherwise sensitive or violently allergic, either don't put the cheese in or use the rice cheese that melts pretty well. Substitute, substitute, substitute. Sub your toot if you know what I mean. Do you know what I mean?

Get out an appropriate size pot for how much rice you have left over. Drip some oil in the bottom, so that the gooey leftover rice doesn't stick while it's warming up. No, don't do this in the microwave. Inappropriately gooier.

Put the rice into the pot first. Quickly followed by the chopped up bits of your vegetable or otherwise leftovers. Let them warm up together. This is not a liquid, you will have to stir them as they warm up. You will also have to add some liquid in the early warming stages to keep it tender instead of scorching.

Add a few splashes of milk (soy milk, rice milk, etc). Stir. Warm. Sniff. It is cozy and comforting. Warming rice? Delicious.

When the rice is warm enough to melt things, and almost warm enough to eat - add your cheese varieties. Shredded will melt best, but small little pieces will be ok too if you have more patience for stirring. Mix the cheese varieties in according to the ratio of taste you enjoy. A base cheese like jack, cheddar or provolone? Strong hints of Parmesan or muenster? Fancier pants? None at all? You are sticking with Earth Balance? Great. Stir while melting. There should be enough liquid in there to keep it from become some gross, giant, cheese ball. Add more if you need to. Porridgey will probably be more satisfying than thick like a clot or soupy like a soup.

Now isn't that warm, lovely, comforting and way better than gristley meat hash?

Roasty Toasty Almonds

2007-05-10T19:51:00.000-07:00

Put your nuts on the fire.

3-4 cups raw almonds
1 egg white
a fine dusting of sugar
slightly less cinnamon
less cayenne pepper
salt if you must
some cooking oil

Preheat oven to 350.

Slop a little oil into a glass baking pan. I guess you could use metal. But be even more careful not to burn the nuts.

Whisk the egg white in your big ol' mixing bowl until it is kind of frothy. To get an egg white, without the yellow bellied yolk, make like you usually would to crack an egg. It is ok if your technique doesn't result in one clean crack all the way around the middle, the sides can be different sizes, but take care that you have some kind of control over the cracking motion. Do not dump both halves into the bowl, just the clear half. Gently, ever so gently, transfer the yellow orb back and forth until all of the gooey whites have dripped away. Toss the rest or invent a recipe to use just a yolk and shell. Invent any recipe to use a shell.

After the whites are frothy, add your almonds. They should be rather thinly coated with egg whites. If there's too much, scoop some out or add more almonds. Drizzle a bit of sugar and some cinnamon. Add a nice touch of cayenne to give them a bad little kick after the sweet crunch. You can add a smidge of salt if you like.

Shlop the nuts into the pan. Bake for ten min. Stir, add more oil if they are getting clingy and return to oven. Repeat for a total of 40 baking min. Bake for less if the nuts start to get all black and they begin to look like little pieces of coal. That would be too long.

This recipe is like the chameleon of the nut and seed world. Subtract the cinnamon and add a bunch of chopped up rosemary. Or use it on pumpkin seeds with a shorter baking time. Use all of the spices that you would put in pumpkin pie. roast them in tamari. Etc. Just always add the dusting of sugar. It goes well with the kick of whatever you add, even the savory stuff.

Nuts always need a nice kick.

Chocolate Mint Oreo Cuppies

2007-05-09T19:32:00.000-07:00

I mean, hydrox. Or sandwich cookies, or something. Ooooooh, Newman's Own.

1 cup butter
1 cup sugar
4 eggs
1 1/2 cup flour
4 generous Table spoons coco powder
1 pinch baking soda
2 pinch baking powder
1 tea spoon mint extract
10 broken Oreo-esque cookies

Plus:
2/3 stick butter
2 cups powdered sugar
1 tea spoon mint extract
1/2 cup generous semi-sweet choc chips

Preheat to 325. A little above 325.

Cream the butter and sugar. These are intense cupcakes, so don't make them greasier or more ridiculous by melting the butter too much before you cream the sugar in. Then add the mint extract.

Blend in one egg at a time. I am a fan of the electric mixer. But no rules here. A few rules here.

Only ever bake one pan of cupcakes in the oven at a time, even if it takes longer to make 24. And if you are going to make them big, use a metal pan, not silicone (to support the tops), even though silicone is great for non-stickingness.

Sift in the dry ingredients. Make real fluffy like.

Add your smashed cookies. I advise you to consider your favorite size chunk to receive in mint oreo-ish icecream. Small enough that it's not a whole cookie, but not just a tiny snail trail of crumbs teasing your craving. Maybe smoosh them with your fingers in a ziplock bag and then dump it in. Or love the earth a little more, spare the baggie and just break them with your sticky little fingers right over the bowl. Stir them in with a spatula, not the electric one, dummy. It'd ruin your perfect crumble sizes.

Bake for 20 min.

These aren't really eat while they're warm cupcakes. I guess they could be, but then just drizzle some melted chocolate on top instead of frosting.

But if you can wait til they cool, and if you like buttery frosting (which is a little cloying if you ask me, but it'll hold as many cookies as the cake itself, and that is a sweet deal. You probbaly could just add some melted chocolate to whipped cream.) :

Melt a generous 1/2 cup chocolate chips in a double boiler. Which is a fancy way of saying to melt your chocolate without scorching it. Which can involve some trial and error in the microwave (zap a few seconds, stir, repeat) or boil some water in a pot on the stove top, and then put the chocolate in a bowl that is just a wee bit bigger than the pot - set the bowl on top of the boiling water and stir it as it melts.

Stir the not-cold butter into the warm chocolate. I say not-cold because you don't want it to be liquid, and you don't want it right out of the fridge. If you live some place warm, congratulations. If not, welcome to the real world, set the butter on top of the oven while you are baking. Keep an eye on it to prevent grand-scale butter puddling.

Once the chocolate and butter are mixed, whip them with the powdered sugar and mint extract. Taste. Nice, right? Now add ten more perfectly broken cookies. Eat six. Stir gently and floop onto the tops of your totally cooled cupcakes. Go ahead test me on this one. Try putting the frosting on too soon sometime.

Just imagine the day in which I make a ginger cupcake with Newman's Ginger-Os and cream cheese frosting. No Ruing.

My God. Peanut Butter Frosting.

2007-05-05T09:31:00.000-07:00

Real good.

Some heavy whipping cream.
Some powdered sugar
Some vanilla
Some Tbl spns peanut butter

Hopefully you have bad taste in peanut butter, because the creamy, sugary, big grocery store chain kind is the best in here. You could put his on anything. Peanut butter cookies, chocolate cupcakes, a nipple, some toast.

Whip up a nice batch of heavy cream. Add the perfect amount of powdered sugar for your weird tastes or that which you think other people would appreciate more. Add just a tiny splash of vanilla. Then some peanut butter. Unless you like really small amounts of whipping cream, in which case you should get over that kind of restrain and add some more next time, I'd start with two Tbl spoons. Whip it in there real good. Whip, whip, whip. Mmm. Try it. Nice, right?

You should you eat it right away. Or store it in the fridge and try to have it on graham crackers tomorrow. Drag out eating this frosting until it tastes like feet. What if you put a dollup in your coffee? Double feet. Coffee tastes like feet.

Or just mix some peanut butter into vanilla ice/soy cream. That's tasty.

Lemon Lime Lover Cakes

2007-05-05T09:03:00.000-07:00

I am dangerous and manly. So are you.

1 cup (2 sticks up your) butter
1 cup white sugar
4 eggs
1 tsp vanilla
4 generous Tbl spns lemon juice
2 1/2 cups flour
sm pinch baking soda
big pinch baking powder

Also:
some heavy whipping cream
some lemon juice
some powdered sugar
a real lemon, a real lime and a zester would be nice

Preheat to somewhere between 325 and 350. Err on the side of a slightly low 350.

Your butter should be pretty soft and almost warm. Not boiling or ready to dip drippy fish into, but San Fran room temperature isn't going to cut it. Be careful if you nuke it. Not too long. Just a bit so that the fully melted butter puddle will make the unmelted butter soft and you can stir it in with your sugar. Go ahead. Do it now. When it is creamy, may I suggest the electric beater, add your eggs. Then the vanilla and lemon juice. Keep whipping.

Mix in the dry ingredients that you sifted into a nice heap on top of the wet ingredients. Whip.

It's kind of a runny batter isn't it? Add a tiny bit more dry ingredients if the runniness is making you really nervous. I wish you would add some zested lemon rind to this. It would be tasty and kind of fancy.

Put the batter into your cupcake pans with some self restraint. They need to be small if they are liquidy. I gave you a wet, delicate recipe. You have to earn it.

Pop them in the oven. Only EVER one pan at a time. Give it your full, undivided attention when the timer beeps.

Hover nervously for at least twelve min. On the dot of 12, carefully peer into the oven. If you made them small enough they should be done. If not, sweat it out and check every three min until done. If you added a bunch of flour or something, you are going to have to wait longer.

If you burned them, you can always cut the bottoms off. In a pain-staking and frustrating manner.

For the frosting. I loved whipped cream frostings. They are so fresh. But they don't last over night well. Make whipped cream frostings right before you take off to deliver the cakes.

Whip a satisfying amount of heavy cream. Add your customary amount of powdered sugar, not too much, and whip again. Add some nice, perky splashes of lime juice. Whip again. Taste. Adjust. Please add some pretty lime zest squiggles to the top of the frostings after you have determined the cakes are cool enough to hold their lickers. Zesters are better than graters. But in a pinch make crappy zests if you have to.

What if you put a yellow and green Skittle on top? Amazing!

Irish Cake Bombs

2007-05-05T08:23:00.000-07:00

Bake something with beer. Your other option is Jell-O shots.

3/4 cup soy milk
1 tsp apple cider vinegar
generous 1/4 cup dark beer, Irish Stout, black gold.
3/4 cup sugar
1/3 cup canola oil
generous 1 tspn vanilla
generous 1 cup flour
1/3 cup coco powder
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking powder
1/8 pinch salt

Also:
some Bailey's Irish Cream liquor
some heavy whipping cream
some powdered sugar
tasteful number of drops of green food coloring
green sprinkles

These cupcakes are vegan without the frosting. Ask your vegan pals which dark beers they're willing to eat in cupcake form. This will not only allow you to judge their vegan persnicketyness on a scale, but also teach you about vegan beers for future conversational use.

Preheat the oven to 350, standard baking temperature. Know your oven.

Whisk the vinegar and the soymilk together. After that, add all other wet ingredients and whisk again. Frothy. When deciding how much beer to add to this recipe, take all things into account. Who's really just in this for the chocolate? Who's afraid of extra liquid in the recipe? How much can you reasonably expect cupcakes to taste just like beer?

Add your sugar. Ask for another lecture on vegan sugar. Informative and handy for impressing the ladies of every gender.

Sift in the dry ingredients. Just do it. Thrift for an old, rusted, dead grandma sifter. Buy one online. A nice, easy to rinse instead of wash one. Nobody wants to taste your cornbread if you don't get rid of those bitter lumps.

Beat the whole mixture with an electric beater for a couple of min until fluffy and you are satisfied with the taste of the batter. Would chocolate chips be good in there? They might. get heavy handed with the coco powder or vanilla if you feel like it. They're your cakes. You're the one being judged.

Pour the batter into your cupcake pans. If you made the batter extra liquidy, make the cakes smaller and check them (not too early! but) a little bit earlier than the full cooking time. Drippy batters don't dome as well, and can't get as big. Little cups of dense, chocolaty beer wouldn't be so bad, would they now?

If your cupcake pan isn't clean, you could try other shapes - square brownie pan, a loaf of quick beer bread style, a circle of perfect, unending beer cake.

Bake 20 or 22 min.

Let them cool a long time before you put the frosting on or don't wait and let it slide off so that your friends with all their germy fingers are licking at your plate edges. Your pick.

Slosh a satisfying amount of heavy whipping cream into a bowl. Whip it. Yes, good. Add not too much powdered sugar, whip again. Sing it until somebody notices. Add less Bailey's than you did whipping cream, but enough that everybody will taste it. The less you add, the thicker your frosting is going to be, which is never very thick with whipping cream, but oh so luscious. Add just a smidge of green food coloring to be enticingly wallflowery or a bunch to be brutish with your beer cakes. A nice touch would be to be that person who has green sprinkles on hand. The crystallized sugar kind to be dainty fresh or the matte, pure sugar kind to embolden your substantial, almost German, not Irish offerings. Plop or spread the frosting on in your own manner. Cultivate your cupcake voice.

Not all Irish are drunks.

Famous Blonde Banana Brownies

2007-05-04T22:31:00.000-07:00

Dry, uber-sweet teeth-killers? I don't think so.

2 bananas, smooshed
1 cup butter
1/4 brown sugar
3/4 cup maple syrup
2 eggs
2 1/2 cup flour
1 pinch baking soda
2 pinches baking powder
few Table spoons coco powder
1/2 cup milk

Preheat oven to 350. Grease a brownie pan or know better if your pan is nonstick. Mash the bananas. Smoosh the bananas, not too cold butter and brown sugar together. Thoroughly slop the syrup then eggs in. Sift the dry ingredients on top, avoiding yucky tasting lumps of the bitter stuff. Add some coco powder to taste - probably starting with about 2 Tbl Spns. Add the milk. I promise it can use that much liquid. This is not an ungooey recipe for sissies. This is a gooey recipe for sissies.

Bake for about 45 min. Don't check so early that is collapses, but if your oven runs hot, dummy, check it sooner after 30 min.

If you want this to be a dry, crummy cake, leave out the bananas and trade 1/4 of syrup for 1/4 of sugar. It also doesn't need to be brown sugar. It does need chocolate chips if you want it to be some dry, vaguely maple cake that you will be lucky to devour in the week before it's totally unappealing in addition to crumbly. I guess you could bake it in two circle pans and make a nice cake with some chocolate frosting. But you could find better recipes for that. Like a cake with strawberry yogurt.

Trust me. I tried the dry cake. You want the brownies. Unless you hate bananas or banana bread. Then make your dry sissie cake.